Sunday, August 24, 2008

This week, made me think as a person.

Why do I always care so much, care abt this care abt that. In the end, i always get disappointed and angry, how many blardy times in my life. Now i understand how my BMT mates felt.

Honestly, I was quite slack in my coy, orion, which is considered to be quite shiong, and people were more fit and co-operative there. Down here, the reason why many are here as sea soldiers,

Its just becos we cannot make it as commanders, or our peer appraisal sucks, or simply put, many are just fucked up to the max.

Really you know, when a job or responsibility has been given to you, you dont just shirk it off and say "aiya its a waste of time just anyhow do anything la", then in the end, not even a structured idea comes out from you. C'mon, you are being labelled as a guy with leadership potential. I dont give a shit whether u want to go the leaders course anot, but what i know is, whether u like it anot, you are the section IC and this responsibility has been given to you. People at least depend on you to form everybody up and come together to brainstorm some ideas for the performance. You do not need to be the sole one giving ideas, but at least have a sense of responsibility.

I donno how many times i have to emphasize responsibility. In the end, no one bothered to think, no one bothered to care. AND I HAVE TO COME UP WITH IDEAS MYSELF. And when i am given ideas, somehow i expect interaction, suggestions on how to make things better becos i know one person's ideas might not be perfect. Instead, most of the times, people just sit down and nod nod nod and agree. Okay thats not the point, but when we actually start rehearsing for the thing, people say they dont know what to do, they have the disinterested look, and look things half-heartedly.

I donno how much i emphasize that I AM NOT RIGHTFULLY IN CHARGE OF THIS THING. I could have just pat my ass and walked off not doing anything, get an ATT C for this night. I know some of you all are planning to do that, but that only shows what ur character is. Yes i know acting is lame, doing some actions might be lame, yayadada, you all are men la huh, do some lame actions for a few minutes can die. Well then, give me a better suggestion of how to do things YOUR WAY in which u feel is better. I never said i was not open to suggestions, and i accept anything practical that comes along the way. But then, people just keep their mouth shut.

I just couldnt control myself during the first vetting in the admin briefing room. I wanted to walk out from this whole thing. The previous week when we had a longer weekend, i suggested for everyone to stay back and go home to brainstorm ideas of a planned skit already. But, not everybody, most just walked off not giving a fuck. Fine i didnt give a fuck either then. Then when the performance came, how embarrassing it is to do this. I mean singing is okay. But the singing of songs, people were shy for fuck, keep hiding behind, just singing to themselves, not even in tune to the music, mumbling the lyrics like you never hear shape of my heart before. A total disgrace. The corporals were disappointed at us, and questioned the section IC for this result.

And then the section IC panicked. He dont even know how to give a proper answer. Wheres the "Aiya just anyhow sing and give a performance la" confidence. I always thought i had been very sloppy, but now i realised there are people outside whom i know are beyond hope. People whom see the enemy coming and then stab you in the back and claim credit and surrender to the enemy.

AHAH! then now the section IC comes mustering people together during our precious admin time discussing. Enuff of the section IC.

Perhaps i am a more open person, i do more daring stuff. I mean personally, i derive joy from entertaining people. I just want to see people happy and smile, or even laugh at what i say or i do, no matter how lame or retarded it looks. And when it comes to this kinda social night, it wont matter if you do one action that looks abit gay or what. So what if ur dates are there, ur pride is worth so much huh. It is just a performance, why would you care so much abt what ur dates think. If u are daring enuff, ur dates might be more impressed, instead of knowing you whom only know how to take shelter in your comfort zone and not daring to do anything else.

Perhaps i just have too much expectations for people. Perhaps.

Performance speaks abt practicality and sense. We cannot just give a performance solely on FREESTYLE singing and dancing. Yes we all want to enjoy ourselves, something freestyle means we are not restricted to just a script alone. But imagine how ill-organised it will be on stage, its a performance and u see random dance moves, not even professional popping or locking stuff. I mean hello, we are not clubbing. And the way you keep on insisting abt it, and want to incorporate umbrella in it, saying abt some freestyle dancing, when you dont know how senseless it is. And when most people thought it wasnt practical either, u gave me the face "okay la whatever u do your own stuff fuck off"

I was already at my limits already, planning abt such stuff, and then seeing people not giving at least 1/10 of their attention, when i am not even in charge of this thing. I just dont want everybody to get fucked by the higher ups becos of this trivial matter.

Typing this thing really works me up. Why do i care so much.

Everytime.

I can finally jump 216 at a steady rate and i have a chance to jump 225 and get a silver. Honestly, i want to go rhibs team and sslc as well. Something i can be proud of in my life. After all, i have tried to give my best, first time in my life for such a constant period of time. I dont know if i have tried enuff, but i hope for a chance anyway.

Bottling all these wasnt good at all. And i can only come back to the weekends and shout to my blog. Till the extent, yesterday if u had given me a gun, I wouldnt shoot all those not co-operating, but shoot myself and end the misery.

{/11:10 AM}

Time's up.